Rico Slade: Hero of the Octopus World!

a piece of fiction by Bradley Sands

The Octopus World is unsatisfied with the current state of its existence. Its occupants are being held hostage by a gang of Eastern European terrorists. "Open the safe," says their leader, Hans Gruberhosen. The Octopus World does not comply with his request. The ability to possess four pairs of arms is locked inside the safe. Hans Gruberhosen, a male ballerina, a blonde bodybuilder, an evil ninja and an African American computer nerd with dorky glasses would all really like to possess four pairs of arms. But their desires are unacceptable to The Octopus World. If The Octopus World gives in to the requests of the terrorists, then its occupants will lose the ability to possess four pairs of arms. If its occupants lose this ability, they will be unable to drive while eating, and this will be apocalyptic. The Octopus World will end as a result of an infinite number of automobile accidents because its occupants always get out of bed at the last possible moment and eat breakfast while commuting to work. Hans Gruberhosen says, "Open the safe or everyone dies!" The Octopus World believes Hans' request has just mutated into a demand. This causes further dissatisfaction. The terrorists begin to execute the occupants of The Octopus World. The world sheds a tear and hits its moon in the face.

Rico Slade, who is hanging out and shit on the moon, also gets hit in the face. He is super pissed and parachutes down to The Octopus World to kick its ass. But when he lands on the world, the male ballerina tries to fuck his shit up with a machine gun. Rico Slade stitches up his wounds and does violent things to the male ballerina until he stops trying to fuck Rico Slade up. He also does violent things the blonde bodybuilder, the evil ninja, and the African American computer nerd with dorky glasses. He does these things because they had it coming to them. Hans Gruberhosen asks, "Do you really think you have a chance against me, Mr. Slade?" Yes, Rico Slade thinks, he probably has a chance. But who is this scumdog and how does he know his name? He shrugs, says, "Do-Re-Me, motherfucker," removes a rocket launcher from beneath his leopard skin jacket, and does violent things involving pyrotechnics to Hans Gruberhosen's crotch. The Octopus World is satisfied with its current state of existence. Rico Slade walks away from the flames. The occupants of The Octopus World hold a parade in his honor. "My hero," says The Octopus World, then Rico drop-kicks the wimp in the face.